Letter from Jerry to His Brothers, Larry and Jim June 20, 1981

Now that things have had a chance to sink in, I have some thoughts about Bob's death. This is for your ears only. I don't want you discussing it with Mom or Dad or Rosemary....

No doubt you've spent quite a bit of time trying – as I have – to understand why Bob killed himself.

He was depressed – but everyone is depressed now and then. Perhaps he had been depressed for a long time. It used to be that he would talk to me about his problems – but lately he hadn't said much. I've done some research on Prednisone and am convinced that this drug could very well have played a role, perhaps acted as a catalyst. But thousands of people tak Prednisone withoug any ill effects, so what would predispose Bob to such a reaction?...

He never really seemed “suicidal”. He was certainly very intense and very dissatisfied. Nothing ever seemed to please him.

Most people have thought of suicide at times, most have been very unhappy at times – I know I certainly have. But most people don't do it. (If nothing else they think about the people who love them and the hurt it would cause.) So why did Bob?

Having studied psychology, I can't help but feel that a person's parents are at least partly responsible – either through their genes or through the environment they provide – for the personalities of their children. Is there something in our parents' genes that produced a chemical imbalance in Bob's body or his brain that made him dissatisfied? Was there something about the way he was raised?

Anything said about some sort of genetic link would be purely speculative. But about Mom and Dad and Bob's upbringing, I do have some thoughts.

Trying to view one's family objectively isn't easy. But having lived away from home for over 12 years, I think I have a certain perspective.

Our parents have done some very good things in raising us. First, they were there, together – many parents are divorced. They have provided very well for us materially. They have given us considerably above-average intelligence. They have given us a very strong sense of morality – of what is right and wrong. Furthermore, I feel that Mom has shown us a great, great deal of love – perhaps a smothering, mothering sort of love (in some ways I feel that Mom has trouble treating us as adults) but certainly love. (I have felt, however, that Mom's making her children the sole focus of her life has not been entirely good or healthy for her or for us.)

Mom and Dad do not seem to have close friends outside of the family. Are there any male or female friends that Mom or Dad do things with? Are there any couples they do things with? Perhaps Dad has friends at work. I have found that I (and I think Bob did even more) have difficulty in making really close friends. The models which we have seen in our parents for love and affection are all between family members – especially mother and child.

What sort of role model has Dad provided? He has always seemed to me very remote. He has at times seemed interested in what I do but never in what I am. Does Dad have feelings? I have never seen them. He has never shown them. He has never shared them. (Except anger – when Bob and I were younger.) Is there a difference between having feelings and never sharing them and not having feelings?

What does Dad believe? What does he love? What does he like? Many boys want to (and some do) “follow in their father's footsteps”. How remote this phrase is from my life. Did Dad ever share any enthusiasm for his work with us? Did he ever share any enthusiasm for anything with us? (Is it that he doesn't have any enthusiasm? Or that he never shared it? I don't know.)

I feel that my creation of my identity – my becoming a functioning, feeling, human adult – was a struggle which came very slowly and largely on my own because, as a role model, Dad gave me very little....

The area of sexuality deserves a chapter by itself. What is the relation of Mom and Dad as sexual human beings? I have never seen them show any sort of real affection toward each other – except Dad's perfunctory “coming-home” kiss on the forehead. Do they enjoy touching each other? The only things I have heard Mom say about sex have been negative. And Dad had never said anything. (The fact that Mom was the one to tell us the “facts of life” indicates both a lack of communication between Dad and ourselves and an extreme uneasiness with regard to sex in Dad.) Perhaps you will say that it was religion which gave them their views on sex. But Catholicism does not teach that sex within marriage can't and shouldn't be a good and beautiful thing. But certainly we never got any hints of that from Dad (or Mom). (If you have felt that other guys seem more relaxed, more comfortable in relating to girls than you, you might consider this as part of the explanation.)

During my teenage years and into my twenties I lived in a fantasy world – unable to share my body with women. Unable to relate to other men on the level of a real friendship, unable to relate to women on the level of real love or feeling. When I finally did start to become involved with women sexually and emotionally, I tended to choose women who did not really have any strong feelings for me – who would, and did, “hurt” me – though I certainly in no way regret those relationships since they helped me to grow.

I think this inability to relate to other people – especially women – was what Bob meant when he said that he felt himself to be a “loner”. For me breaking down these barriers was a long, slow process which did not just magically happen as result of meeting Roxann. (Though I must say that being married to Roxann is by far the best relationship I have had.) Even in the times when I wasn't “involved” with anyone, I never gave up looking, never gave up hoping. Somehow, Bob just gave up.

Bob and I left Sharon very ill-equipped to relate to other human beings as feeling, caring, loving adults. That I was not able to help him more in his life, in his attempt to grow, I am sad.

Is it Mom's and Dad's “fault” that Bob shot himself? No! They tried to raise us the best they could. If they are imperfect, it must be remembered that they, too, are products of their own parents and there own environment.

And certainly the society that Bob lived in and others (like myself) and, above all, Bob himself – product or no product – have to take some responsibility.

So why am I writing this to you? Perhaps you don't have any of these problems. But, if you do, I'm hoping that this will help you to understand them a bit better....

With love,

Jerry