Letters Between Bob and Jerry, 1974 – 1980

[Bob had moved to New Jersey (Drew University) in the fall of 1969. He had graduated and been married in June, 1971. And separated in early 1973, at which time he moved to Boston and worked as a security guard at Harvard. In the fall of 1973, he had briefly been in the Wesleyan (Connecticut) Master's in Mathematics program. He dropped out and moved back to Boston in 1974, becoming a research assistant at the Harvard Observatory. In this first letter he says he had been working there for four weeks.

There was, of course, no email back in those days. These letters were all hand-written. I have keyed the letters Bob sent me and the two letters I sent to Bob (which I had copied) into this document. (There were no personal computers with scanners back in those days; I had to go to the library to make photocopies – not something I normally did, but did do in the three cases below.)

Spring, 1974 [This is Bob's response to a letter of mine which I don't have a copy of.... ]

Hi Jerry,

I think that it is necessary to separate one's self from conventions when searching for a truly meaningful relationship. There are just too many fabricated barriers – like age, religion, race, etc. – to hassle with. The most important thing is how the two people regard each other (obviously?) It sounds like Emmy is a really neat person and quite a bit like you. (Often times, people with different interests also can get along quite well, with one person's interests complementing the other's. Though, as you say, your common interests make the relationship more natural and smooth, which is good.)

There is no doubt in my mind that a full and open relationship with a woman (– that word is hard for me to use, too – I usually say “girl”--) ranks very high among the “good” things with life has to offer. The key, I think, is learning to grow with the other person. People change constantly. There are initial conditions which cause two people to first hit it off when they meet, but they have to learn how to accommodate change in each other. Something which facilitates this is learning to take an interest in the things the other person is “into”. Although relationships can have many different types of structures (I know people who only see each other once or twice a month), one of the most important things which keeps it going and good is this ability to grow with the other person.

I hope things work out with you and Emmy.

I'd like to mention a few things about my present condition. To put things into perspective, I have been working as a research assistant at the Harvard Observatory (which is part of the Harvard Center for Astrophysics) for about the last four weeks. Like going to graduate school at Wesleyan, this job has caused my present existence to have very little resemblance to human living. Because I only took one computer course (and that was three years ago) I have tremendous difficulty in programming. This, in combination with the ordinary pressure to get the work done, has resulted in my working until about 12 midnight, every day. If I wanted to define my life in terms of my job (like Dad), things would be fine.

I think the problem is more fundamental than that though.... If I waited about two or three years, I could probably adjust to the job. But I think that I just don't like the setup of working in the business world. However, as James Taylor says, “I'm running out of things to be.” My life could be viewed in another way though.... I've never adjusted or succeeded fully in anything I've done:

Baseball - I got up to the Varsity League and I just didn't have either the ability or the physical build to compete.

College – I've always considered Drew a second-rate school. The math department gave grades easily. My B.A. Doesn't even compare with B.S.'s from other schools.

Grad School – When I really did have to compete on a reasonable level, I just couldn't “cut the mustard” and had to drop out.

And, now, this job. My life has just been a series of “try and quit”s. I've never said anything about this to anyone before. It's something that's always been on my mind.

Oftentimes I look back on my life and things are just as unstable now as they were when I was a teenager. I think that the only period of relative stability so far in my life has been during the first part of my marriage.

It may seem strange to you, but I really envied the popular kids back in high school. I still feel inferior whenever, for instance, when Tom Dolan mentions what Pat Krivosh or John Stevens are doing. (They are still living in Sharon.)

This may all seem completely insane to you, but I mention it so that you might have a better understanding of me.

Bye, Bob

P.S. Mary is getting a “no-fault”divorce through Legal Aid in a Washington State Court and I've signed the papers and everything. I guess she goes to court about June 6 and it will be finalized a few months later.

P.P.S. See you at The Wedding. [JS note: This was Rosemary and Gary's wedding.]

Spring, 1974

To Bob:

Howdy.

After all the stuff I wrote you, it looks like this thing with Emmie will come to nothing. Mostly it's on her side. I used to think that I could look at a person and talk with them and see what they really were. But now, I'm not so sure at all. It takes time. Some people have various sides to their personalities and can change suddenly in their relations with other people. I guess that Emmie is not quite as stable as I thought. We haven't talked the thing through completely but I think we will pretty soon....

I read your letter over and over and thought about it a lot.

I've known people here at Oberlin who thought of themselves as complete failures, lousy piles of shit, if they didn't get A's in all their courses. I've been into that too.

Did I tell you I'm taking a Folk Dancing class? I'm a very poor dancer and I know it. The teacher came up to me one day after the class and asked me if there was anything I felt that she could do to help me. I was the only one she asked. A few years ago something like that might have made me quit. But this time I thought about how I enjoy the dancing and how the simple dances I can do give me just as much satisfaction as other people might get from more complex dances.

You know how I used to sit reading, hour after hour? I can't do it any more – or, at least, I don't feel like doing it any more. I used to think that the best thing for me to spend my time doing is intellectual activities, since that's what I do best. But now I've decided to do what I feel like doing, whether I'm good at it or not. And that's why I'm not going to graduate school and I'm doing farming and carpentry and folk dancing and recorder-playing – especially recorder-playing. It gives me a feeling of order and harmony. Like the planets revolving around the sun, like the seasons changing. It doesn't take you anywhere. It doesn't lead to anything. It just is. It's a thing in itself.

So much of our lives are full of expecting and hoping or regretting, and here's something which just is – free and flowing. I've been thinking lately about Nero fiddling while Rome burned – pretty far out.

I think that you're the one who's giving into “conventions” in viewing your life as a series of “trys and quits” – since convention says that you should know what to do from now til eternity.

Dad, who decided in high school that he wanted to be an electrical engineer and spent 40 years being it, is the conventional success.

There's nothing wrong with trying different things and being different things – what you shouldn't do is say: “Well, if I don't make it that'll be the end” – or think that you have to do or be anything.

I could spend my time thinking about the fact that I didn't go to Harvard or that I wasted $16,000 by going to college at all or that I've been so inept in my relations with women or that 10,000 people can play the recorder better than I can.

But that would be silly.

The fact is that no one has ever “adjusted or succeeded fully” in anything. There is always someone or something better than you are. Man, by nature, is imperfect and incomplete. (No one really even knows why they exist.)

It took a long time for me to accept this and maybe I haven't entirely. But that's what it's all about – being able to accept this incompleteness and imperfection and live with it – flow with it....

Love,

Jerry

Nov. 1976? [This is a response from Bob to a letter of mine, from Oct/Nov, 1976, which I don't have a copy of.... ]

Hi,

There is something which I have been thinking about for a long time, that I have never mentioned to you.

As a result of our upbringing, you, Rosemary, and I (so far) have been left pyschologically crippled. Mom's and Dad's own crippled personalities, the Catholic Church, and the then-prevailing social structure in the Shenango Valley were the greatest influences in our developing almost insurmountable dependencies. Both consciously and unconsciously, over a period of 18 years, were learned habits and behavior from Mom and Dad which perpetuated their own dependencies: almost exclusive reliance upon spouse and family for emotional support (few or no true friends) acquiescence to authority (Dad to Westinghouse – I don't think he ever asked for a raise); Mom to Dad, and the children to Mom and Dad; fear of adventure (few un-work-related pursuits, which may have developed more of an independence). These are just three of the major influences contributed by Mom and Dad to our dependency. Even the “fantasyland” lorded over by Mom still exists. What an influence! There it was (is?) your own shock-proof fantasy land insulated from the dragons beyond its perimeters. I still can't believe it.

The second major influence was the Catholic Church. Truly an opiate, if I ever saw one. Dependence on and acquiescence to authority. One of the major characteristics of the Catholic Church is what little room it leaves for individual interpretation: catechism, very little Bible reading and dogmatic proclamations prevail. Clearly, this all had a profound influence on us through Mom and Dad. Typically, instead of trying to devise and pursue solutions to problems which confronted us, we were told to pray. Depend on the Lord for guidance; that was the message. Prefab morality, that's what the CC taught. You don't have to think about what is right, we've already done that for you....

Lastly, the social structure of the Shenango Valley was centered around the family. Clearly, there is little for a single person in the Sharon area to relate to. All of the entertainment and general diversions are screened for anything other than family participation. There is even a heavy reliance upon the Church for social contact, in some circles. In any case, the message is: depend upon getting married and relating to your nuclear family for happiness.

These three influences, along with others, intermixed to do a real job on all of us. It has been a major hindrance in my relating to women and to people in general. It has been a major influence in my life sexually, dating wise, socially, and even work-wise. I have thought often of seeing a psychiatrist to try and work some of these dependencies out of my psychic existence, but have not yet done so.

I have had a similar problem with erections. Usually the first time that I sleep with a woman, I have trouble getting hard because of nervousness. But it seems to go away by the second time (after I feel relaxed with her). You'd be surprised, the influence anxiety has.

Sometimes I've had problems after smoking pot or drinking, but there have also been times that I've been really stoned or drunk and had no problems at all. My suggestion is to sit back and relax. Fear will kill an erection faster than anything.

Bob

Saturday, Feb. 5, 1977

To Bob:

Isn't life strange? Does anyone really know what will happen next? It appears that this Caryn romance is already over(!)

She has always been less open than I have in discussing her sex life and her family. I don't think the few relationships she's had with other men have really had much meaning for her. But her family's another matter....

Over Fall Break (a month before we met) there had been some very traumatic scenes between her parents which led to their separation and (sometime soon) divorce. Also, her brother, who was a freshman at Wooster, had a breakdown of sorts and went back to Miami. It was obvious that she had very intense feelings in regard to these events. She talked (tearfully) about her father and I comforted her. But it was obvious that there were other things – nasty “affairs” (sexual and otherwise) which her parents had been involved in that she didn't want to talk about. But that didn't seem to matter. She had a lot of energy for our relationship. We were happy. She is a person capable of much feeling and it was good.

She went down to Miami over Christmas and Winter Term (January) to be with her parents and brothers and sister and try to straighten things out. I knew I would miss her but assumed we would write and call and knew that she would be back soon enough....

The first sign of trouble was when I didn't hear from here for 2 weeks, despite the fact that I'd written her twice. I finally got a short letter saying that things were going very poorly and that it was “too painful to share”. A phrase which really puzzled and disturbed me. But I didn't want to give her even more trouble when she was obviously down, so I decided to wait till she came back to work it out and wrote about other things – as she, herself, did in several somewhat happier, pleasanter letters.

I went to visit my friends Rick and Hilary in Chicago the weekend of the 28^th -31^st. Her indefiniteness bothered me but I was really looking forward to seeing her. The 31^st passed without her returning and “too painful to share” came back with all its force and I was very disturbed. She called the next day, saying that she had gotten back the day before but wasn't feeling well and hadn't let me know. It was a strange conversation. She didn't seem especially eager to see me, but I decided to go over anyway.

She was looking very sick and acted rather cold. It was obvious that her feelings really had changed. I found it difficult to understand how the strong care and affection and need she had shown could have so greatly diminished. This business with her family “to painful to share” just didn't make any sense. But what could I do? I cried – but only a little. In fact, I was surprised at how little I felt. I still desire her very much – but don't like her: I've seen a sick and selfish side which is not very beautiful. Even if she “recovers”; things could never be the same.

I feel lonely, but also strong and excited – there are so many women to make love with! (Somewhat apprehensive since this thing with the penis has not really been worked out – but anxious to try – that and the touching and everything else.)

Hope things are going well with you.

Love,

Jerry

p.s. One thing I didn't mention, which obviously enters into the situation, is her youth (19) and the fact that someone so young could hardly be expected to be stable or consistent. I don't know why I'm attracted to such young women – maybe it's my inexperience. But, anyway, I'm not going to worry about it.

June, 1977

Dear Bob, I was really glad to hear you say that the time you spent with us in Boston was one of the best vacations you'd had. It was really good for Connie and me too. I think that I may look back on it as one of the high points of my life, but who knows?

It looks like Connie and I won't be seeing much of each other this summer; she'll be in D.C. And I have zero vacation time left. She'll be visiting in September but, after that – don't know what will happen. The problem is: she doesn't like living in Oberlin – not enough jobs, not enough “action”. There are some cities I wouldn't mind living in, and I think we could probably agree on a place, but I'm certainly not about to leave Oberlin until I know that our relationship is more than just temporary. The way I see it … our initial experiment in living together would have to be done in Oberlin – which probably won't happen.

Anyway. Despite my pessimism about finding someone I like as well as Connie any time soon, I have not been sitting and mooning (as I might have in the past) -- but, in fact, have already met someone whom I think I can have a relationship with. We'll see.

Jerry

November, 1977

From Bob [Bob had been seeing a (married) woman, named Marybeth, for at least 6 months now. I'd written a letter mentioning my trip to visit library schools, including Syracuse.]

Hi there,

You're always welcome to stay with me. Syracuse is pretty far from Boston, though.... There's plenty of space here and if you let me know when you're coming, I can try to find an extra mattress.

I think that I am rapidly approaching a major crisis in my life. After one month on my new job, I was having a lot of trouble with the work and I was going to quit, but my boss convinced me to stay. As time went on, I began to realize that I just simply don't like the job – and programming in general. Simultaneously, Marybeth and I are having a few problems. We are spending this week “away” from each other, reassessing our relationship. Most of the problems center around the amount of time we are able to spend together (and the effort made to work out time) and, in my view, her lack of any feeling of urgency about seeing me or about ultimately (in March) getting together (i.e., her leaving Rob).

In the event that I quit my job and split with Marybeth (unlikely, but possible), I'm going to leave Boston, probably next spring, and possibly move to New Hampshire or Vermont. I really hate the thought of moving again, though.

On another level, I really feel that I need some kind of counseling, maybe even therapy. I can't seem to establish any priorities. I keep setting myself up in impossible situations, and I have absolutely no motivation to work. I don't want to work, I really need a vacation.

Bye,

Bob

June, 1978

From Bob:

Hi,

I just read your letter. Very interesting...

My job situation is still up in the air. It is Aerodyne Research, not Harvard, that called me to see if I wanted to come back to work for them. After thinking about it for a while, I would and I went to talk with the people I would be working for. They told me that they'd get back to me in one or two weeks, so I decided to send my resume to see what the alternatives might be. The situation right now is that: Aerodyne is deciding between me and some other guy and will let me know in a week. I was turned down by one company because I took that time off (Feb – now), and I have an interview with another place this afternoon. (The job is in Woods Hole, Mass.) and I'm not at all sure that I want to leave Boston.) I'd hoped that the time off wouldn't be such a big deal, but it looks like it is – to some people anyway.

Rosemary, Gary, and Katie are coming up to visit me for a week on July 1^st. Did you know that? I'm looking forward to it. I thought that we might spend some time on Cape Cod. I think that Rosemary and I have gotten a little closer lately.

The therapy isn't as productive as I thought it would be. It is a clinic-type situation. After two evaluation sessions, the staff decided that I should continue to see the woman, who did the evaluation, for 12 additional sessions, centered on relating properly to women. Next week will be my 4^th “regular” session. It is only open 9-5:00, so, when I get a job, I'm going to stop therapy. It seems like it's mostly psychoanalytic, although not strictly. Some getting in touch with feelings about certain things that have been happening, and relating those to similar events in the past, as well as some guidance and counseling. Fortunately, it is on a sliding scale. My payment is just $1 / session. Unbelievable, eh?

I started therapy because I felt that I was unable to break the patterns of behavior which were keeping me from achieving certain goals which are part of a model I have in mind for myself. In particular, I would like to marry again and have children, a family. I would like to look at my job as meaningful in the context of being necessary to support the ones who I love, as well as giving me a feeling of satisfaction from having accomplished something and supporting things that I really enjoy doing, like playing tennis, skiing, sailing, and maintaining a certain standard of living. I feel that it is part of being human to share your life and meaningful moments with a partner and your children.

It was clear to me that my involvement with Marybeth (I'm still seeing her from time to time) was/is a classic example of putting myself in a situation which would keep me from achieving my goals. (She's already married.) This, in addition to my own awkwardness in meeting women and asking for dates, lack of self-confidence, and general lack of knowledge about the social rules, led me to believe that if I were ever going to be able to achieve any level of humanness, I was going to need help.

Other topics talked about in therapy – besides Marybeth and my awkwardness in meeting women – have been baseball, spankings, SDS, graduate school, early non-dating, you, the family-dependent personalities, my marriage, my last job, and many, many others....

You mentioned that you don't think you are as likely to accept a bad relationship as you might have been in the past. That's good. I learned that myself a while back and I've tried to stick to it.

It sounds like school is going well, and I wish you luck and lots of stamina.

Say hi to Marybeth, Ellen and Steve for me. Aunt June said Ellen is splitting in the Fall!

Bye,

Bob

P.S. Despite what she says, I think that Mom may be unhappy about a lot of things in her life.

Feb. 1979

From Bob:

Hi there. (Sorry that I don't write more often.)

I suppose that I'm somewhat committed to A.E.R. (the company I work for) for a while longer. After all, if I left A.E.R after a year, say, then my last three job situations would look like: Aerodyne (six months), unemployed (six months), A.E.R. (one year). Not too convincing to an employer who's looking for somebody stable. Also, I have three years' worth of car payments to make on my “sporty little Lancia Beta”, which I bought (– it was a demonstrator – ) last month and the one-year warranty on parts and labor requires that you take it back to the dealer. So, the bottom line is that I'm probably not going to be leaving Boston for a while anyway.

My main motivation for thinking about leaving Boston had to do with women (the prime mover in almost all of my actions).... I want to be married and have a family! Probably my chances of finding the kind of girl I'm looking for would be greater in Sharon, for instance, than Boston – or down South, which is why I thought of moving to Atlanta. (I could even find a computer job there, I'm sure.) But all of this is pretty much out for a while and, who knows, what will happen to me in Boston over the next few years.

Rosemary, Gary, and Katie are coming to stay a week in Boston again this year around the Fourth of July. We're all going out to Nantucket Island for a few days while they're here. It was pretty hectic putting it all together, but I'm sure it will all be worth it. I'm really looking forward to it.

Getting a Master's Degree is no easy task. It requires committing yourself almost totally for a few years to something. I might still try to get one sometime, maybe an MBA. Anyway, I'm glad that you're doing it and I hope that it gets you what you want out of it. Since I never did any original research on anything that was publishable, I don't have much of a feeling for the “neatness” of it, as you must, but I'm sure that you must get a lot of satisfaction from it. At least we'll be “on the scoreboard” in the advanced degree competition between the Deisslers and us! (– just kidding … maybe a little serious).

I've started taking two “classes” at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. One is Beginning Bridge and the other is Coastal Navigation. Mostly were just learning about bidding, so far, but the Bridge class is fun. (We're using Sheinwald.) Since I'm thinking of renting some bigger boats out of a place in Gloucester this summer, I thought that it would be smart to take a navigation course to learn how to chart a course and use the radio equipment. Gotta go!

Bye,

Bob

P.S. Say hello to the Deisslers for me.

July, 1979 [I'd met Roxann about a month before this letter, and had apparently written Bob about her.]

Dear Jerry,

Here is the $200, unless somebody ripped it off in the mail.

We all had a good time when Rosemary, Gary, and Katie were out here. Since they had pretty much seen most of what they wanted to in the city last year, I took them up to Gloucester and Marblehead after we got back from Nantucket. Speaking of which, we had a good time there (Nantucket), going to the beach and doing some sight-seeing.

Over the winter I took a navigation course, and recently I passed a sailing and navigation test at a place in Gloucester, which charters big sailboats and yachts, so a bunch of use are going on an overnight sail from Gloucester to Provincetown on the Cape in August. This will be my first “big” voyage.

I met Susan, who I've now been going out with for a few weeks, through a guy I used to work with at Harvard. She's his sister. There seems to be a lot of potential; keep your fingers crossed.

Sounds like things are going basically OK with you. I hope things work out with Roxann.

See you,

Bob

P.S. Please call me if the check is not in the envelope.

May 11, 1980

From Bob. [Bob was in a car accident in the spring of 1980. His car was rear-ended and there had been some damage to his face. He was taking Prednisone, a corticosteroid for it. Bob was to be the best man at my wedding (on August 23, 1980).]

Hi,

I wasn't sure if you had moved out of Greencastle yet or not. I hope that you get this letter. Mom mentioned that, though the job in Columbus didn't work out, that you wouldn't have wanted to work in a room filled with machines, by yourself, even if they had offered you the job. Being around people is important to me too. Considering that you spend eight hours a day at work, there is not point in making it solitary confinement.... Good luck with job-hunting.

Mom and Dad spent four days in Boston before Dad's meeting in New York City. It was around 90F during the two day that they were in NYC...

Rosemary went over to the Cleveland Clinic last Thursday. They said that what she has on her face is not acne, but Mom didn't know what the doctors' diagnosis was – other than the fact that her body is not absorbing water the way it should be. She has been have a kind of tough time of it emotionally, over this thing. She has seen quite a few doctors about it.

Jimmy and Larry turned 21 today! It seems incredible that they are that old.

As far as my life is concerned , things have begun to stabilize a little. I got my car back from the autobody shop. Since the other guy was determined to be at fault, I didn't have to pay anything. Things at work have begun to settle down a bit. We got some more programming help and the Spring deadlines have been met.

Because of the mark on my face caused by the accident, I didn't get out at all during the Spring. (In fact, I haven't been out on a date since last January, but it seems to have healed very well, so maybe I'll make some more attempts to meet some women. I would like to hear your thoughts, advice, etc., on the subject. I get very depressed about it at times. In contradiction to the fact that I haven't dated since January, finding a woman to marry is the most important thing to me now. I would quit my job, sell everything that I have and/or move anywhere necessary to be able to have someone to love and be loved by. In the final analysis, it's the only thing that is important to me.

I have the date of your wedding as Aug. 23, 4 pm.

...

[Travel arrangements.]

…

Also, I'd like you to spell out just what I'll be responsible for during the “wedding days” and what I'll have to do about clothes, etc.....

Say hi to Roxann for me.

See ya,

Bob

[Bob did serve as best man at our wedding on Aug. 23, 1980.

The above (May 11, 1980) letter is the last that I received from him – but we did talk on the phone, at least a few times, before his death (May 20, 1981). ]